TTC: Try To Conceive After a Loss

When thinking about trying again for a baby, a mother who has just lost hers will have understandably many feelings. There is a source out there that says a mother who conceives too soon after will have an extended grieving period. I don’t know the research for this statement. I do know however that whenever you decide to try again multiple feelings come up for the mother and the father.

I will go through these now: terror, the idea that you could lose another one is overwhelming; the mother and father barely feel that they could cope with the loss that they had, and some feel that to ever try again is a disservice to their little one’s memory. They may fear, as we did, that people would think they are replacing the one they lost and her memory didn’t matter. Let me address each one individually.

Yes, it can happen again. The idea of multiple losses is overwhelming. Especially if a couple is dealing with infertility and an older maternal age. I am always afraid of this. Here are two ways that help me cope. Mindfulness. Please G-D when you are pregnant again, each day the baby is alive is all we have. We can not see the future which can be a blessing and a curse at different times. Honestly, in life all we have is this moment, right here, right now. This is tremendously helpful in the coming pregnancy.

One baby does not replace the other just as a spouse does not replace the previous nor would someone be rude enough to suggest it. Sadly, in pregnancy loss, you have to have been there to understand sometimes. Someone you know may suggest this. It is OK to be shocked and angry at this statement. I caution you to take ten deep breaths and see it from their perspective for a second. Seeing someone in pain is very difficult, many times this statement is used from a place of (ignorant) compassion for your suffering. They are trying to ‘fix’ your pain. It is a learned art to sit with someone in pain and not try to ‘fix’ it or take it away. Insensitive statements are hard to tolerate, and it seems that the person who is suffering is placed in a position of choice, to gently educate others how to approach them.

I never wanted to be the woman who scares everyone away. I needed to take charge in a sense of my pain and, with compassion, teach others how they could comfort me. Some people were not worth the effort it is a case by case basis. You see it in cancer patients, widows, end of life situations etc. It is a club we have a lifetime membership. The days you want out of the club are the days you find another mother or father in your situation and spend time around them for comfort. I used to wonder why there are SO many people in the world, one reason may be that we can find comfort, companionship and love from others in situations similar to our own. This is the true comfort, to be in the same boat. To not be alone. Don’t be alone in your grief. There are Facebook and internet support groups but even more important there are other mothers who have been there in the darkness and can go there with you.

Will I get pregnant again? This too, as life has painfully taught us, is not always the case. You can take comfort that you conceived the previous time, your body can carry a pregnancy. Medically it is worth it to look into why (if you can) find out what happened last time. There is not always an answer. If you do find an answer don’t be surprised to feel like you are grieving all over again. Remember in this moment that hindsight is 20/20 and you did THE BEST you knew how last time. Us women are good at self-criticizing ourselves and self-punishment. Compassion for yourself is not easy to acquire, yet crucial for self-forgiveness and moving forward.

Intimacy and Trying to Conceive

Will I ever enjoy making a baby again? Lovemaking changes throughout our life. There are never those innocent trying for a baby feelings again. What is replacing that feeling is something even more powerful. This is an opportunity to connect closer to your spouse than ever before. Having fun in the sun is one kind of connection, going through a loss is a challenge and a huge growth opportunity for your relationship. The statistics are not so positive on staying married after losing a child. My husband and I turned to each other when we heard of how many separate and promised each other, we were going to do this together. It is easy to blame your spouse, ‘he does not care as much’, ‘she didn’t eat right’……it can go on and on. Make the decision to do this together, don’t pull apart. Everything  that is challenged in your marriage will come out during this time. I don’t make decisions when I am upset and I considered myself wildly upset for at least a year or two after we lost our baby.

Trying to have another is its own step in grieving. Each month you tried and are not pregnant is hard. Really hard. I remember walking up the hill for the blood test and praying for both. Please don’t let me, please please let this be the time. My mind was a mix of emotions. G-D is big enough to hold both feelings. I had to relearn this each month. When you have an experience like this it is hard not to feel judged and to connect to the G-D of love and trust is an exercise in emunah for sure. Some days I made it, others I was a crying mess. Mindfulness again is very helpful.

Going to the mikveh is another strong and sad step. I encourage you to mention to your mikveh attendant that you have just lost your baby and you are trying  this month. They give great hugs and their brachot are a comfort. Staying away from Brit Milot and simchot that you know you are going to be crying at are OK too. I could not in true happiness go to a Brit Milah or Simchat Bat until many years later. Be kind as you can to yourself in this time. When trying to conceive you suddenly notice there are pregnant bellies and babies all around you. This can feel like torture. On my good days I looked at it as a comfort. People are getting pregnant, so this will happen. Everyone walking around out there that I see was born alive.

If you have to go to an event with other children, go ahead and cry, be honest with your friends and heart. The world spits up into two parts, the people who know and those who don’t. I remember still sitting at a table at a wedding with my heart pounding, who is going to ask me if I have children? What do I say? There is no easy place in conversation to bring up, “oh, my baby died and I am trying for one right now and I am feeling semi-suicidal and terrified right now, the sounds are rushing in my ears, I am barely hanging on in my marriage and I am so angry! I feel like turning this table over, throwing it out the window and falling to the floor and crying, but I will sit here and smile at you.” Yeah, not easy to bring up.

It is OK to feel mixed about having another. It is OK to be scared, angry and obsessed with getting pregnant. This is the time to take extra care of you. This is the time to  work on forgiving yourself. Try if you can to not dictate what you should be feeling and just feel it. Take a deep breath, feel the pain and then take your pulse. You can feel the sadness and still live, somehow.

I will end with this poem.