To process and go thru grief of any kind is a life changing experience. No one touches death and does not come out changed by the experience. There is no guidebook on how to lose a baby. No one can tell you how long it takes, how to do it or the ‘right’ way to feel. That is the tremendous healing power that grief has built into itself. You are forced to examine your beliefs about death, the afterlife and more startlingly life itself. All grief and loss come up each time you experience death. If you have experienced a loss before this, usually any feelings will surface now from that time as well. There are no rules to grief and no time limits. What we can do is define what we have seen in others and recognize the process in ourselves.
The steps of grief (not in this order necessarily)
- Denial, shock and isolation
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance and forgiveness
I will add one more here.
- Reexamining our belief system/G-D/afterlife/Reward and punishment.
I will start with the first ones, Denial, shock and Isolation. Denial is a tricky word, I will change the word to disbelief, how did this happen? Could this happen? I was doing everything right! I view grief as an ever changing experience. One day you are in 1, the next min, 2 and 3 and other days all the above. It was a learning process for me to not control grief, not dictate or judge myself. I unconsciously made rules for myself depending on judgments I had made about myself. When I moved thru the self-blame part and came to true and total forgiveness of myself that was the day I truly accepted my fate. Until then I would bounce around between these feelings. Each time I thought everything was worked out, I would find another layer of her death and how I was effected by it.
Isolation is easy. Feeling alone, that no one can understand your pain but you. Isolation is increased in this instance from statements from family and friends, strangers and the medical staff that cast self-doubt and trigger you. I remember the doctors, trying to find out what happened ask me about the same tests over and over again. I had to answer confidentially to protect myself, but their questioning spoke to a small part of myself. Was I to blame? Did I make a mistake in this pregnancy care? Could I have done or gotten checked more carefully? My self-doubt also caused distance between me and my husband. Was he judging me? Did he think I did something wrong?
Some ideas to help with this stage.
Try your best to remember that you need your spouse more than ever at this time. Sit with each other and make a pact that no matter how dark the days get you will try not to make judgments about each other or turn against one another. Try, I know this is hard, try to face the pain together. A counselor who is sensitive to grief is worth his/her weight in gold during this time.
No one wants their baby to die. No one. Hindsight can show us things in a distorted manner. We cannot judge ourselves in hindsight. We can learn things and perhaps do things differently but not from a harsh judgement space. This is not an easy balance and I do not have the Chutzpah to say I mastered it. In fact I did so many things differently in the next pregnancy, and when the baby came out alive I used (subconsciously) the result as a judgement that I in fact did cause the first babies death…This took years to untangle and look at clearly. No one wants their baby to die.
It is totally normal (sadly) to hear a baby crying, feel kicking inside your stomach even though there is no living baby. Waking up and thinking it didn’t happen can occur as well. Be kind with yourself. Go ahead and cry when you realize you don’t have a baby in your arms. It is ok to cry. It is ok to be sad. I give you permission. You will not drown. Many times we slam a lid on our feelings afraid to be consumed by them. The only way out of the pain is thru it.
Anger, this is a heavy one. You may feel angry at everyone and everything. Classically the strongest anger is usually directed at ignorant statements made by family and friends and at your spouse. There will also be deep anger at yourself. You may find your fuse is extremely short with everyone and everything. I remember shocking my husband and myself when I cussed out a driver behind a taxi we were getting out of. If you know me, this is so not my style. I talk to everyone all the time…to verbally attack and flip off this driver was so not me. Getting into fights with in-laws, siblings and other family members is a high risk as well.
Last but certainly not least is being mad at G-D. This one is intense. If you have a fear of G-D relationship, this anger may not manifest right away. I know I did. I call it my Gehenom complex. I will have an article just on this later.
What can help with this stage?
Beat the living daylights out of something. A pillow or a punching bag are great. Screaming at the top of your lungs (warn people or do this where no one is around). Kick something, throw things (safely) with force can help release this tension. Speed waking, a rant to an understanding friend is also helpful. You may find that after you rage, you will cry. Anger is fear. I am not able to cope with tremendous fear so anger is a gift to help you release if used safely and not to hurt others. Writing a letter to the hospital or friends that you feel hurt by is also helpful. Do not send them till you are sure. I write a letter like this with the intention in mind that I will never show it to anyone, that way I am truly able to be free in how I feel. When we know someone is going to read our words we hold back. You may feel sure that you really want to give people your feelings, don’t hide them, but count to ten before doing so when you feel this rage. It is easier to say nothing in the moment, then bring the issue up later than lash out in anger.
This one is a hard one, if you can, take a few minutes to see the other perspective. People are scared of you and your experience. I had ‘friends’ cross the street to avoid me as if I was a plague. I was very hurt and angry at this treatment. Now, only now, years later, I can see that ‘friend’ was truly overwhelmed and scared. She too was pregnant and had been really nasty to me two days before my baby died. I was able (after years) to see her with compassion.
Bargaining, this one is not fun. If only I did such and such she could be alive, please please Hashem make time go back and let me try this again. If only I took challah, if only I davened harder, if only I chose a different doctor, if only I did that scan I refused…..if I only noticed her movements were weaker……if I hadn’t stayed home, if I hadn’t gone in to early if I had a C-section…..the list never ends. Never. My family would start every conversation with me, no Rachel you didn’t kill your kid.
Losing my baby caused me to lose any sense of security or balance in my life. I remember going to my family doctor for the tenth time that month. I had a red spot on my chest and I was sure it was breast cancer. Bless his soul he calmly told me it was a mosquito bit that I didn’t realize. Then he sat down and said the most life changing information to me. He said, we can’t tell you for sure why your baby died. No one can. We can speculate, we can test and come close to a thereoy, but even more important we can never tell you why.
Making crazy deals with myself and G-D was a way to not face and accept that she was gone, I had no control over her death and that I am not in charge.
One can do only their Hishtaldut and nothing further. We do not hold the Keys to life and death. We can only do our part and nothing further. When I felt the worst was when I was trying to do G-D’s job as well as my own. I had to step back and let go and let G-D. This is a lifelong process for all and applies not just in grief.
Things to do to help with this stage?
I will post the serenity prayer here, I find it speaks to me the strongest.
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
Depression. I would say of all stages of grief this was the longest for me. Feeling hopeless, helpless, alone, sad, irritated, overwhelmed and at its worst suicidal.
If you feel that you want to end your life. Please reach out and get help. You don’t want to end your life, you want to end your pain. There is a difference.
Thoughts of wanting to die, feeling like you should just give up are normal. Planning to kill yourself or thoughts of self-harm are not. It is crucial to reach out for help. Call someone if you do not feel safe alone immediately. www.yellowribbon.org has a hotline you can call as well.
It is a sign of strength to reach out for help, not weakness.
Feeling sad and hopeless make sense. You lost a baby, a life, a future…a dream. Everything you had planned is gone. Feelings of guilt if you resented the pregnancy or complained or felt overwhelmed will increase the feeling of depression. I had to give myself permission to feel sad. I felt terrible but I would not let myself truly feel sadness all the way in fear of drowning in the pain and guilt that I didn’t’ deserve to feel this way. I was angry at myself that my baby did not live and that complicated my depression.
Things that help with this phase.
Be kind to yourself. I know this is a tall order. Don’t judge yourself if you gain some weight, want only pizza and chocolate, chain watch Netflix, stop praying…I took longer to climb out of my sadness when I would jump all over myself for watching friends all day. Sometimes one has to go out of balance to return to the balance. Overeating, not exercising, not praying, isolating oneself and watching TV can contribute to depression. There are site you can google in the middle of the night that tell you to help with depression get up and do all these things. I wonder if the person writing those tips remembers how unsurmountable those requests are when you are IN the depression.
Be kind to yourself. Watch some TV, eat some chocolate, cry and then stand up and do one kindness for your body and soul. One small kindness, one small step. Stand up between shows and walk up one flight of stairs, drink one glass of water, call one friend, get a hug. As time passes add another small kind thing, perhaps a yoga class, don’t sign up for the rest of your life just one class, even a half a class. Put on earrings today, no you will not forget your baby if you start to feel better. The memory of you baby will settle in your heart. This baby is a part of you forever.
Acceptance and forgiveness and working it out with G-D I will address in the next two posts.
Sending you love.